The Make Up Diaries – Mindfulness

Being Acutely Aware – Mindfulness

Miss Perfect Mess Whether its happiness, sadness, stress, fear or another emotion… when is the last time you were directly aware – or acutely aware of it in the moment? “Mindfulness” – I have been practicing this all year…plugging into my emotions as they are happening. I first learned about getting in tune with what my body was trying to tell me when I was researching about stress and anxiety. The ways your heart rate changes, that knot in your stomach, headaches, body aches, etc… those are all signs our bodies give us to let us know that we are in a situation that is not good.

Once I became “acutely aware” of my stressors… and started reducing the opportunities for them to reoccur…my stress almost went away completely. Now its not such hard work to “feel” what is happening to me and then quickly figure out a plan to change my position or environment to reduce stress.

The cool thing about being in tune with your body is that you “feel” on a new level…even about happiness and joy. I love this part…Mindfulness.

Summer Vacation 2018

The 1st time I realized that I was experiencing the polar opposite of stress & anxiety was this past summer. It would be the first vacation without my husband and family, and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go. It was hard to look back on years past and think about how much fun the kids had and recall all the memories – knowing that this year it would just be me and Sadie. Truth be told, summer vacations were stressful – but I just always thought that was part of it. Turns out – its not.

Summer 2018 would turn out to be one of the best vacations I have ever been on – and it had very little to do with the destination. My friends C & J and their 2 kids plus their friends M & V and their 3 kids…and Sadie and me – all rented a house in Destin and piled in for a week. The thought of it gave me a little anxiety… not gonna lie. But the reality of it was more amazing than I could possibly find words for. It was the first time I was on a vacation with other people where everyone was just enjoying each other and relaxing. There was no helicopter parenting, no attitudes, no control freaking, no fronting, it was just a plain ole good time and I didn’t want it to end. I don’t know how many times I stood back and thought – in the moment – “WOW…so THIS is what having a good time is like?!” I was “acutely aware” that this was different, amazing, better and wonderful… and that is what will make the memories of this past summer last forever.

Thanksgiving 2018

Again with the 1st times… first major holiday without my husband and all of our kids together. My step-daughters were invited but couldn’t make it and that was hard for me because I really miss them. I didn’t know how I would feel in the moment and I was a little anxious. I knew my boys would be here, my daughter-in-law – and the grand baby…and of course Sadie. My friend and her daughter were also coming. I was hoping that we would have such a good time that I wouldn’t notice the difference from years past…but I did – and it was a huge pleasant surprise! The difference was no stress – ALL HAPPINESS – and a house full of people who just enjoyed each other. The way its supposed to be. The way it never quite was before. The way I hope it will be from here forward. Love. Happiness. Gratitude. Appreciation.

This is quite possibly the first year in my entire life that I was acutely aware of what true thankfulness really feels like. Wow.

Stay tuned for more talks about trauma bonding, narcissistic abuse, clearing the fog and creating a plan to find happiness again!


Trauma Bonding  -What is It?

The Dance Between Co-Dependents and Narcissists

The Make Up Diaries – Chapter 1 – Food Fight

Girl Power – Raising Little Miss Mess

It Started Out Tough – February 2018

February 2018 – Miss Perfect Mess

2018…seeing that number in print is still so surreal. Referencing years that begin with “20__” is the stuff that futuristic movies were made of when I was a kid. Although I am glad that I am still alive and well in what I thought would be “the space ages” …I have to admit, I am sorely disappointed that cars don’t fly yet & we still can’t have a summer home on the Moon. But 2018 will go down in my history as one to remember for sure. 2018 Also brought the birth of Miss Perfect Mess (aka Me)

After a lengthy separation from my husband that began in May 2016 & a handful of what I thought were attempts to reconcile – February 2018 brought the “incident” that would finally end the insanity. The very next day… I woke up, picked up my pieces and headed into the rest of my life with eyes wide open, no regrets and a little girl who would prove to be one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

Girl Power

In 2009 when my daughter came into the world, I never imagined that in a few short years –  I would become a single Mom again. I thought my family & marriage were strong and my intentions were to glide off into the future making perfect memories without a worry in my mind.  [REAL LIFE – enter stage left]

In February 2018, at 8 years old – my daughter had to learn a tough life lesson. As hard and long as I tried to save her from it – sometimes families get rearranged. She didn’t know then & neither did I…but we would soon become each other’s most important allies.

Miss Perfect Mess & Little Miss Mess

We would console, support and get to know each other on a whole new level. I am still certainly her Mother, her parent and she…the child, but there are times now when we are real friends. We encourage and lean on each other in ways that have strengthened both of us as people.


Down with the Flu – What a MESS!!

Last week, we both were sick. I couldn’t go to work and she couldn’t go to school. We stayed home and snuggled for the first couple of days and then my daughter started getting better. I got worse. While I rested and napped during the day – this little amazing person that I am so lucky to have in my life – became one incredible nurse. All on her own she checked on me, brought me hot tea, reminded me to check my temperature and kept me company. I watched her shuffling around being a perfect caregiver and I wondered how is it possible that I get to be her Mama. I am convinced that she is a gift from God – loaned to me…to learn from, protect, teach and love.

LOVE YOU MOMMY – There are no better word… promise

One afternoon last week, feeling horrible and exhausted – I headed back to my bedroom to lay down. I rounded the corner and saw something better than solid gold on my bedroom door. The love I feel from this baby girl is unlike any love I have ever experienced… pure and real.

Secondary Effect

Sweet Berry Farms – Marble Falls TX – Miss Perfect Mess

As heartbreaking as it was to accept that my marriage was over…I had no idea of the opportunity that it would bring me. In February I glanced into the coming months in my mind and saw a lot of sadness & grief. But what I found as the weeks and months coasted by…was a lot of clarity, happiness and love that I had been missing for a really long time. Those things brought a desire to be better… starting with being a better Mother – to all my kids. I plugged back into my life in ways that I hadn’t been in over a decade. I was no longer “going through the motions” – I was actually free to BE in the moment and I am taking advantage of it in big ways. I “feel” things again – I “see in color” again and its all beautiful and wonderful! Its scary and unbelievable how far removed one can become during struggles. We get so hyper-focused on one problem that all the people and things we are neglecting fade into the gray. I consider myself very fortunate to have been given a second chance to be a good Mother, friend, sister, Nani and “good person in general.” I don’t intend to waste it.


10 Steps to Getting Your Life Back After Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Abuse Support (Resource)

So About My Bed 

The Make Up Diaries – Chapter 1 – FOOD FIGHT

Mud, Muck and Fog

14 years ago I embarked on a journey that would take me far far away from myself. So far away, that by the time it was ending I didn’t know where to find the person I used to be. I felt lonely, confused and scared… which was completely by design at the hands of a person I loved very much. It was a long hard road through the mud & muck but I am telling my story about narcissistic abuse and healing after “clearing the fog.”


Chapter 1 is about where I was emotionally when I met “him” and about the 1st time I felt that knot in my stomach that I would become very familiar with in the years to come. That 1st time, it wasn’t even brought on by “him” – it was after witnessing his Father mistreat his Mother at a family dinner I had been invited to in the first few weeks of our relationship. Ironically, “food” and “cooking” and “dining” would prove to be a major point of contention between us, or…maybe not so “ironic” after all.

Narcissistic Abuse

If “red flags” – “boundaries” – “gaslighting” – and “narcissistic abuse” are words you find yourself saying or thinking a lot…you may find comfort in learning you are not alone.  This type of abuse has text book characteristics.  Once you learn the cycles of narcissistic abuse its a lot easier to reconnect with reality and start working towards an exit. If you think you are being emotionally abused, its probably a good time to seek professional help to deal with co-dependency & possibly complex PTSD. Building your support system back is also a key step in the right direction. Gaining a “sense of reality” again is probably the hardest part – but with education about the exact way you lost it… you will slowly unravel the web of confusion that was spun to keep you constantly off balance.


Idealize, Devalue, Discard. (Rinse & Repeat….forever.) The visual charts and information in this link are amazing to shed light on the insane cycle of abuse that comes with a narcissist.


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