Miss Perfect Mess - I Can't Even

 

Dating Deal Breakers and BIG FAT NOPES

There are some definite pros & cons to being 47 and looking at the dating scene from the perspective of a real “life-experienced” woman.  (aka “Jaded and Over It“).

In the 90’s when I was dating as a 21 year old – things were so different.   Now, a 20-something thinking of meeting someone out in PUBLIC and actually TALKING to them, looking at their REAL face and hearing their voice is the stuff that sci-fi movies are made of. If it doesn’t happen on your phone first… did it really even happen?

Back in the OLD DAYS

Back in the “old days” – people met each other by (brace yourself if you’re younger than 30) walking up to another person and saying something like, “Hi, I’m [blah blah], I saw you over here and wanted to meet you.” or in some cases “OH MY GOD you’re hot! Wanna get out of here?” or even… “Hey- my friend over there thinks you’re cute, can he buy you a drink?” (obviously answered by, “Hell no, but YOU can.”) Anyway…my point is – it wasn’t a wave or wink or ping or buzz – it was real life interaction… oh the horror! Sometimes we met in a club or a bar, sometimes at work and sometimes introduced by friends. But in almost every instance… it happened in real life. Today…not so much & I personally find it weird. Back then, there didn’t seem to be so many dating deal breakers – or maybe we just didn’t know what they were yet.

Dating Deal Breakers
NOPE

Meeting People Online

When I was dating again in 2004, online dating was just starting to become a popular thing. It was still pretty taboo and I wasn’t very interested in testing the waters. The internet wasn’t new but the stories you heard to that point about “meeting people online” were mostly about guys living in their Mom’s basement with no job and nothing else to do except surf chat rooms for lonely and unsuspecting women  – probably the precursor to cat-fishing. And then of course don’t forget the serial killers and psychopaths…they certainly didn’t let the advantages of the WWW escape them either.

Online Dating Sites

Enter… Match.com (Check out this article about the founder of Match.com … I have no idea if he lived in his Mom’s basement – but this is definitely the image I had at the time – of what was on the other end of an online chat. LORDY!)

My sister was in town for a visit and she had already set up her own profile on Match. I think she was having some success with it and started pestering me about setting up a profile. NO. WAY. NO. HOW. I had enough problems to deal with and I wasn’t even interested in dating. She had other plans – and created a profile for me. Gotta love sisters.

Over the next few weeks – I “met” some people from my profile and went on lots of first dates. It was fun, I have to admit – and it was better than being in a smoky bar for the most part. (Not gonna lie though…it was kind of fun – in my 20’s when all the gang would meet at Cody’s -the local C&W club for dancing, drinking and hanging out. What ever happened to Rocky Mountain jeans anyway??)

If I KNEW THEN …

Then, I ended up meeting (on Match) the person that unbeknownst to me at the time – would be my next husband. If I had known then – what I know now, about red flags, boundaries & if I had been a lot more in-tune with my own inner voice.. well lets just say – I wouldn’t have my sweet daughter who was the treasure God gave me for enduring some incredibly hard years of craziness, lies, confusion and lots of other insanity that you’ll have to stay tuned into this blog to read about later. But the other things I gained were experience, knowledge and personal insight to know what will and won’t work for me in a potential romantic interest.

GET REAL

Once you finally figure those things out… dating is very bittersweet. You have the confidence to get out there and meet new people but you are also armed with the knowledge that most people are not a “fit” – and you no longer have the patience or desire to “work with” someone’s quirks, issues or straight up bad behavior, the way your younger self did many years ago. You no longer think you’ll be “the one” to FIX someone because somehow you’re the solution to all their life-long issues that have nothing to do with you. Basically you just “GET REAL” with yourself and everyone else.

 

Dating Deal Breakers

Nowadays, there are lots of online dating outlets and its pretty much the way things are done in 2018. But, its still weird and I wish that there was some way to “normalize” the way we meet each other today.  The thing that is most different though…is me. I know what I like and don’t like. I know that people are who they are & don’t change. I know that people will TELL you who they are…you just have to listen. And I know that at the first sign of a deal breaker… I better run like someone’s chasing me – and not look back!

Dating Deal Breakers and BIG FAT NOPES

Even the little things…have me ghosting (I learned that trendy little term the other day.)

  • if I give him the option of choosing our dinner destination – and he tell’s me Bush’s Chicken – he’d best bring a buddy or eat alone.
  • if his dating profile has more pics of his truck, boat, motorcycle and dog than himself – NEXT! (If those pics of himself are all shirtless pics in a bathroom mirror – ALSO NEXT!)
  • if he wears socks with sandals ON OUR DATE… I’m out. (If he wears socks with sandals any other time…I’m also out.)

Dating Deal Breakers - NOPE

  • if he spends hours or days telling me all about himself and never asks one question about me….BYE! (it’s likely he won’t make it to “days”)
  • can’t drive a stick….  WHERE are you even FROM?
  • anti-vaxer …NOPE
  • prepper… DOUBLE NOPE
  • newly separated… Hey we ALL need a break sometimes but I’m not a B&B

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  • bad relationship with more than 2 immediate family members … I can’t.
  • talks sh*% about his ex-wife constantly – he’s GOTTA GO….far away.
  • plays video games… HOW OLD ARE YOU??
  • wants to introduce me to his young kids on 2nd date – have a nice life.
  • calls me babe, baby or any other term of endearment prior to meeting me in person… GET OUT with that!
  • offers the silent treatment as an answer to a disagreement… Let me know when you’re over that…or better yet…DON’T.
  • requests more full length pics of me in first (or any) communication – GO F yourself.
  • sends me more full length (or dick) pics of himself … Go DATE YOURSELF
  • chews with mouth open &/or grunts while eating … There’s not enough Xanax in the WORLD.
  • inquires if all my kids are from the same man – GOD HELP ME.
  • Doesn’t drink alcohol of any kind – ever – HOW is THAT going to work?!
  • Picky eater … GO AWAY.
  • Can’t sit still for 5 minutes … NOT havin’ itScreen Shot 2018-10-19 at 6.36.11 PM
  • Won’t get on an airplane – Seriously?
  • Works out EVERY SINGLE DAY… We are definitely not going to get along.
  • Lives 874 miles away … HOW do you see this rolling out…really, I’m curious.
  • explains how it was God watching out for him when his ex was killed in an accident 2 weeks before their divorce was final… <—– HAPPENED!!! (That was the “check please” moment. This one also drove a hooptie sedan to our date & -completely unprompted told me his 4×4  truck was at home in the driveway  – I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE!)

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  • insists on calling me a name OTHER than MY NAME… WHAT??
  • only free to talk or chat after 10PM … he’s married.

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RED FLAGS

Red flags fly HIGH & MIGHTY these days & I pay attention. If someone pushes against my boundaries… see ya later, no questions asked…no excuses accepted. Dating deal breakers are a real thing in my world. I very well may end up without a partner, but at least I won’t end up with another one who I knew from the beginning was bad news. Notice I didn’t say “I very well may end up lonely” – because I am not alone.  I never felt as lonely in my life as when I was with another human being who didn’t care about me… and I vow to never be in that situation again. At best, I will live a fulfilling 2nd half of my life, happy with my family & friends, satisfied with my hard work in building my businesses and proud of my efforts to help others. Wading through the mud and muck of another person who can’t carry their weight in a healthy relationship is not on my bucket list. If by chance a person comes along, who among other things is fully vaccinated, can drive a stick, is happy to call me by my name, & also inspires me to make room for them in my life, I could possibly be open to that… maybe.

Some great reads & resources if you’re dating again;

Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist 

How To Date in 2018 Without Using Apps

5 Reasons Singles Should Stop Worrying

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dating deal breakers, single life, online dating, red flags, single life,